4:44 AM


They say a black hole is a region of spacetime from which gravity prevents light, from escaping, mathematically defined surface called an event horizon that marks the point of no return.  

I would say, I am right in the deep end of it. Trying to escape from the painful reality of being lonely. It is funny really. Why is it when you are surrounded by waves of people, you still feel alone. All by myself.

I used to think that I don't care what people think. Idiot. I do. Not necessarily what people think I have on or how my make up looks like, the way I did my hair in the morning. No. I care what my parents think of me, I care if I will make a difference before my parents are gone. I care if people think I am someone important. I care.

When you are a teenager just trying to get a degree and then suddenly being pushed out into the real world of making money and trying to get by. It sucks. I automatically feel like I had to make all these decisions myself. All decisions that would make a huge impact, good or bad in my future life and there is no turning back. 

Think about it, all these decisions, no one else gets to make it for you. You have to make it yourself and you have to bear the consequences. There is no teamwork anymore. It is just you. The leader, the follower and the mediator. Because although you go to your friends to talk about it, and although they listen and tell you their opinions, I always feel like I am back to zero. Their words only help you to take a step back to look at the problem in a more calm mood. The next foot forward, is still yours to make.

I am a self sabotaging person. My negativity and distraught thoughts are the things that bring me down everyday. All the negativity follows me around like a shadow and I can't seem to shake it away. So I live in constant fear, worry and it really is tiring. 

I remember seeing a post on Facebook about a glass half empty. That it didn't matter what the weight is, but if you hold it for a very long time, it is going to feel very heavy. Which brings to my situation. The longer I think about my problems, the longer it will hurt, and the bigger the probability of me pushing it aside and not finding a solution.

I guess, the first step is to accept that I am going to be alone in this and that no one can understand what I am going through. To accept that no one is going to love me more than I love myself and there are so many other things in life that I have and I just need to appreciate them more. 

The word: appreciate. Might do me some good. 


No comments

Post a Comment


Related Posts with Thumbnails


© DEVOTEE BY MILLIE | All rights reserved.
Blogger Template Created by pipdig