20s

They say when you are in your 20's, you will fall into your quarter life crisis. And that my friends, is true. I just turned 24 years old and when I looked back, I am disappointed with what I've achieved so far, which by the way is nothing great. Other than that, my group of friends are getting smaller each day, I am struggling to balance my " self-employed " life, financially not enough to get by or improve my life, pressures from family, and insecurities invading my mind each and every minute.

There are days when I feel truly blessed, I am. But I am only human and most days, I just curled on my bed crying out. Drifting. That's how I feel each day. In that moment of drifting, funny enough, is a moment of peace, a moment where it automatically blocks all my problems away and you can just shut off.

1. Friends

As you grow older, I don't know about you, but for me personally, what I've learnt this year, there's no point telling your intimate stories or problems to your friends. Yes, it's nice to have a pair of ears, their attention for an hour or two. But no ones gonna call you up to ask how you are dealing with your problems, to watch you successfully get out from the shit hole. 

The more you tell, the more you feel dependant on them. And if they are not there, you will get disappointed and you again, feel like shit.

My problems, how I feel, my love life or whatsoever I have been keeping it to myself. It's hard to swallow whatever comes my way and have to deal with them but at least at the end of the day, my decision without an influences, any expectations and any consequences, there's no one to blame but myself. 

2. Money

I love creating businesses. The problem is, with the environment I am surrounded with, people are not so used to the term self-employed. And, they somehow think you are richer than the average person who has the 9-5pm job. Why we have our own businesses, other than maybe you can't work under someone, you hate your desk job is that you need to make extra cash. 

You make a business, and then another business. So that extra cash from another business can be invested into another or for something else. That way works if, one of your business does make money. I repeat IF. Please understand. I don't freaking sit at home and get money just like that just because my business is an online business. And if it's an online business, people find you easier. No, you still need to find your customers. Harder than a physical shop. Marketing budget for both online and offline businesses are equally huge. 

Doesn't mean I wake up late, I have a lazy ass. It means I stay up late to do my work because I work best at night. 

Which brings me to, how in the hell am I able to reach to that goal, where I don't have to worry financially. I have so many things I like to do, so many projects I want to execute. But all these projects, they may give me a satisfaction during the process of it, but they don't give you a peace of mind financially.

3. Insecurities

I went to a business bootcamp recently with a few of my friends. The organisers had a panel of entrepreneurs on stage to share their experiences with their startups. The youngest, a 24 year old woman. Me on the floor, 24 years old. It's a different thing to have a business and another to have a business and made it because it's a profitable, sustainable business.

I felt, while she was talking up on stage, if my parents were here, maybe what's running in their heads, were "Why is my daughter taking such a long time to get where she is right now?"

I kept thinking to myself, am I not intelligent enough? (probably) am I not hardworking?

Maybe it's luck. But then if you are not hardworking, luck won't cross your path.

So as I'm writing this, letting these feeling out to strangers, I hope my depressing week will end. Temporarily, what is for certain, a good book, dessert and some retail therapy can cure this depressed being. Wait, I'm broke. Cancel the retail therapy.